Conspiraception: The Conspiracy within the Conspiracy [Satire]

As you know, I, Jack Zukin, have been fighting for the middle class American’s right to the truth since the beginning of my time here as a writer at BPR. I have personally uncovered the darkest secrets of our political system, including Obama’s plot to transform our country into his communist playground and Biden’s scheme to assassinate his partner in crime. Now, I plan to attack the very mystery that has plagued our society for the past 50 years: who killed John F. Kennedy?

The man himself: JFK.

The conspiracy theories circulating about the assassination are more than plentiful, but the only real conspiracy here is the fact that some people are trying to bury these so-called “conspiracies.” I have recently been informed that one of my fellow writers, “Ryan Hayden,” who I hereby reveal to actually be a special agent by the name of Putin, has been sent by the CIA to quell the public’s concern by publishing his article condemning an innocent man, Lee Harvey Oswald. I assert that it was indeed commonly known that JFK was constantly at odds with the CIA due to their covert operations in Cuba and other third world countries. It is also known that the CIA took the reigns of the investigation into JFK’s death and closed the case soon after, conclusively confirming that Lee Harvey Oswald killed the 35th president of the United States of America.

Thankfully, many people have been as skeptical about the outcome of this investigation as me. Namely, an anonymous commenter on Agent Putin’s article artfully pointed out the chinks in his arguments, especially his failure to address the definition of “conspiracy.” Obviously, the lack of the definition of the word “conspiracy” in his exposé invalidates his entire article. On the other hand, another commenter, most likely an additional CIA agent, foolishly supports Agent Putin’s claims with no concrete evidence and no coherence whatsoever. You may ask, “Well, where’s your concrete evidence?” I have spent the last year and a half befriending “Ryan Hayden” and monitoring his every move. I have videos, photos, and recordings of him maliciously revealing his plans as he smugly chuckles to himself. The game is up. Now everybody knows that the CIA is responsible for the death of our second most promiscuous president.

This article was written with permission from Ryan Hayden ’16.


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